Young Poor & Angry Press

I’m going to start by saying this is not a new concept at all. Bill Maher was doing this way before I was and will probably continue to do it. I started doing New Rules on twitter for awhile and people requested more of them, so we decided over at the YPA office on a particularly boring day that I would write these.

• New Rule: If your band changes sound drastically than you have to change the name of the band as well. Thus from here on out Bury Your Dead will be called Bury Your Nu-Metal and Fight Everyone will be known as We Lost.
• New Rule: If your pants are tighter than your sister or your wear the same size and she’s captain of the cheer squad than you need new pants. The only people that should wear jeans that skinny are the remaining Ramones and Mick Jagger.
• New Rule: You don’t get to pick your own nickname and then start calling yourself by it. That means you Jimmy Disease or Suzy Scab, those names weren’t bestowed they were taken
• New Rule: After ten years is your band considered old. Bands five years and younger: it doesn’t matter how many albums you threw out there to capture hipster attention, you’re still new.
• New Rule: Enough with the band shirts in color schemes that look like they came out of Saved By The Bell. 90s revival is neither cool now or ever.

• New Rule: Enough with the “two-step.” If I wanted to dance at a ska show I’d go to a ska show.
• New Rule: Bands, stop getting insta-sleeves. Meaning you got it in one lump sum right after you signed your contract with Joe Mega Label. It’s as noticeable as Sarah Palin’s intellectual deficiencies.
• New Rule: Stop with the Rod Stewart haircuts.
• New Rule: If you don’t like Barack Obama and claim to not really have an interest in politics, you’re a racist.
• New Rule: Saying retard is perfectly acceptable in every day speech. If you’re offended by this term, realize none of us are referring to your mentally handicapped niece, we’re referring to your irrational need to be political correct.
• New Rule: Kayne West needs to stop being allowed to speak. The only difference between him and George Bush is a Yale degree and a platinum album.
• New Rule: Stop making sex symbols out of jail bate. Seriously it makes us all uncomfortable with that kid takes his shirt off in Twilight or Emma Watson shows some cleavage in the new Harry Potter.
• New Rule: No more Jersey Shore. Just because it’s a bunch of dumb Guidos running around doesn’t make it any more entertaining than the Hills. In fact I’m sure somewhere there is a study that says it causes you to become an honorary member of the Bauchmann family.

Right now there seem to be a blue million clothing companies. Most of them aren’t very legit. Carbon copies of whatever is trendy and popular at the time. Brands like Glamour Kills who mass market to the scene via bright neon colors and kitchy designs that won’t stand the test of time. As someone whose an avid collector of both band t-shirts and unique clothing finds I look for two things: is the design going to be something that’s only popular now and is it something I’m going to want to sport to the local bar as well as a date out. A lot of the time I end up disappointed with a lot of the brands that offer to send me wares. Then there are other clothing companies. Companies who make a mark and a lasting impression on anyone who wears them.

One such clothing company is To Die For. The company is “the product of two brothers love for art, music, and family” according to the the Welshers’ bio on their site. More than a decade the two, Jason Welsher, a drummer and staple in the Orange County hardcore, straight edge music scene, and Josh “Deph” Welsher an urban graffiti artist, toy designer, and skater, fused their influences into what we now know as To Die For clothing.

These guys are not only class acts, but stay true to their roots in the design and quality of their clothes. A lot of the designs are flash inspired that’s got a new school crossed with old school vibe to it. While their website might not be super flashy, they make up for it with a really simple ordering process and some bad ass clothes. I personally have a few shirts by them in my t-shirt collection and pull them out at least once a week.  Dig the sports colorways on the Tangled II, my only beef is that there isn’t a Red Sox colorway. Got to remedy that Jason and Deph!

The recession was the hot fuse to inspire the industries showcases this past FALL09 Fashion Week. Many a designer proved otherwise with their show-stopper and glitzy glamour induced pieces to help evade the clientele’s adoring-eye from the world’s steadfast economic struggle.

In the classic case of Alexander McQueen, there is no stopping his elusive imagination when it comes to the pieces he sent down the runway this season. Grab life by the horns and use every possible option; centerpieces at his show included huge heaps of past season themed pieces, make-up, styling, as well as hairpieces and hats proved there is no worry and to use what little you’ve got left to work with regardless of the material. Soda can hair rollers, hub-cap off center head pieces, trash bag bow ties, you name it. Amongst others, the recession wasnt only a main focus; many designers kept the bare essentials in mind, sleek suits, less than bold color palettes, and especially flattering silouettes highlighted this seasons mainstage.

FALL READY-TO-WEAR HIGHLIGHTS:
This season’s inspirations varied from S&M inspired leather thigh high boots, to broad shoulders in sequined exaggerated one piece ensembles. Four inch heels, exposed unmentionables, lengthy skirts trailing on the runway.

-Leather Pleasure, Biker Chic; Tough leather, embelished/destressed fabrics, heavy knits, Oversized/Androgyny
(See: Alexander Wang, Armand Basi, Balmain, Gareth Pugh, Julien Macdonald, Jean Paul Gaultier)

-Combining Like Terms, Sheer and Fitted; Mesh, elastic/strapy criss-cross accents, form fitting silouettes
(See: Andrew Gn, Bottega Veneta, Dolce & Gabbana, Givenchy, Miu Miu, Nina Ricci)

-Forties Shortie: Channeling Ingrid Bergman; Oversize Fur collars, knee-length wool coats, solid bold colors; nipped waist, pin-curls, long godet skirts
(See:Dolce & Gabbana, Lanvin, Zac Posen, Bottega Veneta)

-80’s Revival, Tight and Cropped; Slick and chic, leather, latex, bondage, s&m vibe, subtle overaccesorized metal pieces, studs, perpetuating shoulders, fitted silouette
(See: Antonio Berardi, Balmain, Marc Jacobs, Miss Sixty, Vivienne Westwood)

-Smart Shopper, Basic, Simply & Sleek, Cost efficiant; Sexy chic menswear inspired, budget conscious, dark color palette, corporate vibe, dropped crotch/high waisted, tucked in blouses, suspenders
(See: Burberry Prorsum, Calvin Klein Collection, Chanel, Derek Lam, Giorgio Armani, Valentino, Yves Saint Laurent)

Columnist’s Pick: GARETH PUGH, GIVENCHY, BALMAIN

I’ve personally always been a huge fan of Gareth Pugh’s work. This past season he channeled erie meets webbed disastor. Between the textures and embellishment choices he used in his pieces this past collection, his consistent rendering of black shaded color palette clashed so divinely with the novelty fabrics that complimented the body in every exxageration of the matter. I really do appreciate how he uses nothing but blacks and greys within more or less each of his seasons, if not a variety of white amongst the two. Being a designer myself, I’ve idolized his designs and conceptions as an inspiration on my aesthetic aswell, from the hairstyling, makeup, and accesories; his work is my number one highlight of every season past, particularly Fall 2009.

As for Givenchy and Balmain, these designers illuminated the concept of big shoulders, leather accents, feather boa trimmed seams, and no less black pieces to no end. Fitted, above the knee, tailored, and sleek. All qualities of a fine look for this Fall season; to purchase these items whether you be online or look in store you can check out these sites: http://www.openingceremony.us/ http://www.luisaviaroma.com/

‘If you have a particularly outstanding feature it is always a good thing to emphasize it. In fact the whole of fashion is emphasis — emphasis on a woman’s loveliness.’
-Christian Dior

One of the most popular questions asked amongst young boys and girls; “What do you look for in a ‘significant other’?” Is it the coon tails dyed to symmetrical perfection in a young lady’s extensions? Is it the positioning of the sock in your beau’s size 0 skinny jeans from Forever 21? The way 15 facial piercings glint in the summer sun? Maybe it’s the sweet smell and sight of an oversized Aquanet can ravaging teased hair? There are hundreds of reasons for wanting to date within your “scene”. So grab a pair of safety scissors and trim down those side bangs, because there are a few things you’ll want to be on the lookout for in order to pick your ideal scene mate.

Let’s start with the boys of the scene… what you’re going to want to do first and foremost is open a new tab from myspace and go to google. Search for a list of phobias or diseases and pick the most obnoxious word possible, and add it to your myspace name. You could also image search some siq grindcore bands you’ve never heard of and take their banners to post on your profile. Extra points if you can’t read the flashing font! Now that you sound as brutal as they come, you’ve got to look the part. Don’t worry about having to come up with something creative.. you’re an individual and it couldn’t be anything but original. Ask mummy for a few dollars and head over to the dollar store for a pack of those fun scissors with the funky shaped edges. Cut your hair to where it either falls over one eye, or unevenly manages to cover both but, no matter which you choose, you have to be sure that the back of your hair is shorter and thinner. This will make it easier to spread the pomade you’re going to have to steal from your little sister, and you can always add extensions to cover the hack job later. It’s totally manly. If you’ve got a comfortable fitting pair of briefs, I suggest you put those on so it’ll support the doubled socks you’ve got to fit in there. Pseudo buldge > moose knuckle. Now, lay on your back at the edge of your racecar bed and squeeze that feminine arse into those 0’s! Slip on your Norma Jean tee, fix your hair up, and ask mum to borrow the car. You’ve got yourself a myspace date! Oh, don’t forget your argyle socks and slip-ons!

Now, ladies! Copying Kat Von D’s style isn’t going to get Bradley Bronchitis to notice you. It’s 2009, you’ve got to take a step back, girlfran! Ask your older brother/sister to take you to the nearest thrift store and pick out the brightest pair of  jeans you can find and a few t-shirts with vertical stripes or print you’d find on an infant’s onesie. Don’t be sad that you couldn’t find any pegged pants – DIY is all the rage. When you get home, immediately cut the collar off of all your shirts so that the sleeves hang from your bony little shoulders. Get the password to acess the interwebs and find the easiest tutorial to peg your jeans, but be sure to take them in a few sizes more than necessary. You want them to strangle your Ethiopian hips, not hug them!

Top off your new chic outfit with a pair of brightly coloured knock-off kicks, and you’re ready to move to hair and makeup. Don’t worry if your mother made you get that $5 butch cut at Great Clips. You should’ve already been to Sally’s to pick up bleach, six different dyes, and your extensions. Now grab your battery powered boom box covered in a million band stickers you picked up from @warped09, and crank dat Spill Canvas!

First, you’ll want to cut your extensions into small sections. Put the glue on the part that looks like it goes on your scalp, and slap it on. Doesn’t matter where it goes or what it looks like, there’s no way you could look trashy even if yo tracks is showin’! Now mix up the pink, blue, black, green, purple, and orange dye all together… it’ll make a brilliant colour that everyone will love. First destroy your scalp by bleaching out your hair (preferably 3-4 times to get that albino-white shade) and the last few pieces of the extentions. Grab the dye brush and go crazy! Create stripes over those coarse pieces of hair that belong to a horse that you and PETA fought so hard to protect. After you’ve washed all of the dye out in the bathroom sink, don’t bother cleaning up the mess (that’s what mummy is for) and go straight to the computer. Locate Bradley’s screen name, the one with all the xXxXx’s in it and tell him that you’re ready for him to come and pick you up. Pray that he knows how to get the child safety off of the lighter you stole out of your parent’s bedroom because you’re dying for a Camel Wide. Take your time applying your neon green, pink and white eye shadow, because we all know how reliable MapQuest REALLY is. When mum shouts that “some girl” is outside to pick you up, slap on some bright red lipstick, grab your zebra print tote bag and get out there!

Make sure to compliment Bradley Bronchitis on his newest display pic, because the angle suggested that he’s really upset about his life. Now that the two of you are together, you should probably turn Hollywood Undead up so your shitty stereo drowns out the boring conversation that you two will later make into MySpace bulletins. Ugh! FINALLY you’re at the venue! You’re going to want to take a few minutes in the car because Ashton Apostrophe’s chonies will be soaked due to all of the tattooed band members unloading stuff into the back door. After you’re both cooled off and you’ve got  X’s on the backs of your hands, you might as well just stay outside until the only breakdown you heard on MTV from the headlining band finally comes. Help Ashton with her child safety lighter and watch her chain smoke while you ridicule her, when really? You can’t wait to get home and wash those X’s off so you can smoke on the side yard where your parents can’t see you.

You know they’re about to play the song you really wanted to dance to, so take that bandana out of your back pocket, tie it around the lower half of your face, and get in that pit! Punch your date in the face and scream “NO CLIT IN THE PIT” and proceed to shuffle around like you’ve got Parkinsons. Don’t worry about hitting anyone, you’ll just get praise from David DenialTM when you tell him on AIM later. But hey, you have no time to waste after the show. It’s time to get in the car and take your date to a remote area, like a nearby cemetery, and get your mack on.  Don’t worry about getting your snakebites caught on hers.. the way you tongue at each other violently will eventually break them loose. Now have her look away so you can quickly unzip, pull the socks out, and be one step closer to having one of the biggest myspace celebs paint your manhood Revlon red.

After you part ways, you’re going to want to post the picture with the most comments of your significant other on your profile. The rest of your relationship will be based on keystrokes – strict cyber sex - because we know how much it hurts Ashton Apostrophe’s feelings that Bradley Bronchitis’ hair looks way better than hers. Send lots of cute comments to each other, like pictures of weirdos with a romantic sunset making hearts together with their hands.

Don’t worry if he breaks up with you through a really long and drawn out message. He really did love you for those six textual nights. Just post really suggestive bulletins about some arse that broke your heart then move directly to the “Browse” tab. Gotta keep it consistent girlfriend. Bradley is already at third base with Kelly Kataklyzm.

Happy dating, ballbags.